Nelson at Trafalgar 2009

Nelson:  "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy:  "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson:  "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags.  What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy:  "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud):  "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, creed, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability - What gobbledegook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy:  "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.  We're an equal opportunities employer now.  We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered too racist."

Nelson:  "Gadzooks, Hardy.  Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy:  "Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free safer working environments."

Nelson:  "In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the mainbrace and issue a double ration to steel the men before battle."

Hardy:  "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  It's all part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:  "Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we'd better get on with it.............full speed ahead."

Hardy:  "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water my Lord."

Nelson:  "Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest Naval sea battle in English history.  We must advance with all dispatch.  A report from the crow's nest if you please."

Hardy:  "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson:  "What?"

Hardy:  "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, my Lord.  Nobody is allowed up there without having attended a working at height course and a wearing a harness; and they said that our rope ladders don't meet the current Health and Safety Executive regulations.  They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson:  "Then summon the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy:  "He's very busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson:  "Wheelchair access?  I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy:  "Health and Safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson:  "Differently abled?  I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.  I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card my man."

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, you did.  The Royal Navy is very under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson:  "Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray and a rolling sea beckons."

Hardy:  "A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and slip proof footwear, plus the ship may move outide of acceptable limitations.  Plus they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - have you not seen the adverts?"

Nelson:  "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy:  "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral..."

Nelson:  "By the heavens!  This is mutiny!"

Hardy:  "It's not that, sir... It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone in a battle.  There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson:  "Then how are we to sink the damn Frenchies and the Spaniards?"

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson:  "We're not?"

Hardy:  "No, sir.  The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.  According to the EU Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.  We could be hit with a massive claim for compensation."

Nelson:  "But as an Englishman Hardy, you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy:  "I would be very careful not to let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you talking like that sir.  You'll be up on a disciplinary report and suspended."

Nelson:  "Damnation Hardy!!  You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King, country or God!"

Hardy:  "Not any more, sir.  We must be all inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now please put on your Kevlar vest and helmet; it's the rules.  They could save your life"

Nelson:  "Don't tell me Hardy, Health and Safety.  Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy:  "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson:  "What about sodomy?"

Hardy:  "I believe that is now completely legal, sir."

Nelson:  "In that case......kiss me, Hardy."